i always thought....

that the hard part was figuring out what you wanted to do with your life. what you were "supposed" to do. what you could embrace as a career that would keep you whole in the rest of your life and prevent you from looking back at the age of 40 or 50, miserable in your work existence and thinking, "where did it all go? i wonder what might have happened if i had only tried..."

i have talked about this a lot in my life to those close to me. maybe i have even blogged about it before, i've no idea. but it is on my mind again.

it is hard to grasp how difficult it is, has been, to follow my path in life. how much my particular journey requires the help and acceptance of others in regards to my purpose and joy in life. it is unlike most other careers, where you can take hard work, study, commitment, perseverance and turn it all into opportunity just by the virtue of doing it. here, in this place of art-work that i live, you have to do all that and still have virtually no control over your destiny in terms of success.

and let me clarify that success is defined by the individual. i just want to make a living where i am not required to work a survival job to make ends meet. i don't have to be filthy rich or famous or any of that. i simply would like to be a working actor who can subsist off that work. and the joy of doing that work and being ALLOWED to do that work will satisfy the rest of my needs. (and if the universe saw fit to make me filthy rich or famous or whatever, i would do my very best to handle it with grace and humility. if i didn't, there is certainly a long list of people who would line up to give me a swift kick in the ego~or the ass.)

i sure hope my destiny arrives at my doorstep soon. thank god i know what it is, and have known for some time. but i am not the most patient person in the world and it had already been a long time coming. so i hope hope hope that it shows its face before i get overwhelmed and doubtful. because i know that wouldn't be the truth, it would only be a level of exhaustion i could no longer fight off.